Oh My God!

I forgot all about Aminal Wars! When it precurred to me that I never finished the tournament, I pulled a Bishop Ussher and calculated back how long ago it had been since I last blogged about it.

The final result? It took place in the past.

Therefore I've decided coincidentally that I should provavly finish up that Animal Wars tournament thing I started a long time ago.

ASPCA Note: No actual animals were harmed in the conceptualization and execution of this tournament, except when I couldn't figure out who would win by just thinking about it and had to use real life specimens to fight to the death to get my answers.

Last time we left Animals Wars, there were 8 animals premaining out of the original 32. All 8 of these animals should be pretty proud of themselves surbibing this far, were it not for the fact that they were about to get savagely eaten and snuffed out very soon, since their can only be ONE winner.

Here was the bracket, for all you bullies that like to bet, or armchair enthusiasts:

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Duffaloes
Kommando Dragons

Bipolar Bears
Regular Sharks

Mini Baa
Doisonous Moss

Black Boo Kings
Elephants

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Ok, let's get this through this round so we can get to the Final Four!

I. First of all, in real life like the cow lands, you'd surprisingly never actually see duffies and kommando dragons fight. That has something to do with the dragons living on an island and the duffaloes on wide airplanes that stretch across the savannah. But whatever, they're gonna fight now. I saw a show that said that kommandos (the narrerator kept calling them 'Komodos' which I just overlooked because I figured he had a speech indictment) hab tons of toxic bacteria in their mouths, which they use to bite their bictims with and then wait, wringing their hands together waiting for them to die. This wouldn't really work against big duffaloes, who are notoriously impatient and would stampede all those overgrown lizards in one fell swoop. Duffs for the win.

II. It's hard to tell who would win between regular sharks and bipolar bears, because it would depend on the bears' mood. I'm gonna give them the benefit of being manic, in which case they would either rip the sharks in half and then proceed to eath both halves, happy to have a change from eating ringed seals all the time (btw, I think I TMM just installated a new ring seal on our toilet the other day because it was starting to leak), or else they would do something else crazy and energetic like build a treehouse or read Proust in the original. Unfortunately for the sharks, it just isn't their day because the bears all decide they want to win this competition and then move on to bigger plans like overhauling the international system of extradition. Shortly after devouring all the sharks, though, they sink into a funk and are found slobbering and crying for no real reason. One of them eben admits he's gay, though he later claims he meant it in the sense of "happy," which he obviously was not at the time. Enough about that one! Let's move on.

III. Hmm, Mini Baa and Doisonous Moss. I don't really want either of these entities to win, but I'm more afraid of... I mean, concerned about... the doisonous moss spreading all ober the cow lands, so I'm gonna say that somehow Mini Baa does something miraculous and kills it all. Maybe he goes down to Woolworth's and buys a big canister of "Poisonous Moss Killer" (don't look at me, that's how they spell it on the label), and then sprays it all over his opponent. Yeah, that works. Ok, Mini-Man, you get to move on unfortunately. Your gramps would be proud if he was even slightly more sentient than a boulder.

IV. And lastly: Black Boo Kings and Elephants. I have an idea about who's gonna win this one... because I'm writing it! Woo hoo hoo, good one, huh. As it turns out, the elephants are pretty tough, tougher than anyone thought. But being tough doesn't really matter when you're blown up by 12 kilotons of plastic explosive charges places on all their limbs and detonated from the brush half a mile away. See ya later, hairy elefantes, it was nice knowing you. BBK's adbance.

Next time:

THE FINAL FOUR
Duffaloes vs. Bipolar Bears in the morning match, and
Mini Baa vs. a bicious squad of Black Boo Kings in the afternoon

...with breaks for tea and darkness, of course.

(Man, I can't eben wait for this. I hope those guys blow up Mini Baa!)

See you then!