Today our math teacher was rattling on about sadistics, you know, ...1 in 17 cows have the last name 'Moo Moo' or... 3.1415, or there's gonna be a 0.00001% chance it's gonna rain cephalopods tomorrow (I'm definitely bringing my umbrella!). As I dozed off and the drool began me to meet the desk, I had an amazing bision. I'll call it "Dennis in Mathemagic Land" after the old Donald Duck cartoon which I know nothing about.
The gist of it was this: Suppose you had an infinite number of Tiny Moo Moos, and lined them up from here to, oh I don't know, Jupiter or something - however far infinity would stretch. And you had an equal number of very average looking girls dying to be asked out on a date by practically anyone, and you lined them up opposite to all the TMMs like a big square-dancing line, but straight.
The question that came to me in my ghostly slumber was this: How many of those Tiny Moo Moos would actually get a date? At that point the dream ended, and I got my knuckles rapped really hard, sheerly by coincidence, by the teacher, Mr Nostrils (don't ask).
Well, now that I'm home, I've decided to crack open TMMs math book to the statistics - I mean sadistics - chapter and try to work this problem out. Let's see... the probability of each TMM being brave enoug to ask, multiplied by the chance of the girl not suddenly going into cardiac arrest, times the chance she would eben distinguish him from the background noise, times...
[Dennis scribbes away furiously on the back of an envelope]
*Whew!* This back-of-the-antelope calculation may not be perfect, but it's likely to be correct to a confidence of two standard deviations, whatever the hell that means. According to my math, then, the chances of a single TMM getting a date in an infinite universe full of them (*shudders*) is... None. Absolutely none. We could wait until judgment day and the old chap is never, ever, ever—
TMM [whistling]: Hey Tennis Ball! OOPS, I mean Dennis. [rubs Dennis' new buzz-cut]
Dennis: }:8|
TMM: So, how was your day?
Dennis: Well remember how I was sick this morning and had to stay home?
TMM: Mmm-hmm.
Dennis: Well, Paul and I... I mean...
TMM: Don't worry about it, Den. I saw you guys throwing snap caps in the 7-11 parking lot but decided not to tell anyone. It's your education after all, I'm not responsible if you get held back again.
Dennis: }:8D You didn't turn us in? THANKS! I never thought - wait a sec, something's wrong here. [pinches himself] Ouch! So... why are you so happy anyway? Did you get 100% on a test or something?
TMM: Nope.
Dennis: ...did they have French Bread Pizza at the cafeteria...?
TMM: Nope, piroshkis. And some kind of mystery meat which I didn't try.
Dennis: Wait a minute... No - I don't believe it. YOU DIDN'T ASK KATIE JÄTTE-JUVER OUT?!?
TMM: Yep. And she said yes!
Dennis: Hold on... How many of there were you?
TMM: Excuse me?
Dennis: Oh, nothing. Wow... er, I don't know to say. I mean other than I don't actually believe it, because it's mathematically impossible, which I worked out earlier based a dream, but... well... congratulations, I guess...
TMM: Oh, that envelope that's on the kitchen counter? I thought it was pretty amazing you were actually using math to solve a problem that wasn't even assigned in school, so I went ahead and double checked your work. Great job, Dennis!
[Dennis beams.]
TMM: However, you've got all your fractions upside down. Woo hoo hoo, catch later Dentist, I'm going upstairs to do a thousand push-ups and then read all the classics again or something. You know, burn off a little energy. Have fun with what you and Paul are up to this afternoon! There might be some firecrackers leftover from 4th of July somewhere behind the couch if you want to scare that old lady's budgies again. [saunters off, resuming his whistling]
Dennis, a minute later:
}:8\
That does it!!!!! That's the last time I use anything I learned in school for anything!
*Stomps upstairs to play XBox Live*
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4 comments:
Dreams are real and math is useless - does that sum it up? TMM, you're growing up! I hope I do too, so I can tease Dennis - he needs it to keep him on his hooves. He's pretty gullible - oops, are you listening Dennis? I'm talking about a different Dennis - you know Dennis Demetri? He hangs out with Paul and Saul when you are home.
Um...Dennis Demetri...sure, I know him. Yeah. Oh yeah, he's that really good friend of mine. He's my "wingman" ...he sort of distracts the ugly friend while I go up and make some moves on the hotties.
}:8)
How do you know about my friends anyway, Hans? You're just a housebound cat. Aren't you prelated to panthers, water duffaloes, and coral?
That's some pretty deep thinking Dennis, make sure you're getting plenty of R&R to recover from it. While you're at it, and supposing you don't find those firecrackers, you could tell us all about your trip to the zoo, which I'm rather eager to hear about.
Hm, ok, I guess I could do that. The only really significant thing about the zoo, it turns out, was all the amazing, exotic, and in some cases endangered animals they had from around the world. I guess I was expecting at least some carnival games or hired midgets with balloons, but they must have a really duff budget. I'll tell you all about it soon.
Off to take a nap }:8)
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