Blong, Long, and Full of Leche

Me cretending to shoot TMM with my six-shooter.

Hey eberyone.

I see someone has cleaned the house. I hate it when he does that, I can't find my Matchbox A-Team bus now. Grrrr....... well maybe I'll go upstairs and look in our toy bin labeled "Toy Cars, Matchbox." Who knows, it's worth a shot.

Speaking of shots, I saw this one Western noovie where this guy was all "who's gonna stop me? You?" and the other guy was like "If I have to" and I was like falling off my seat because I knew there was going to be gunplay. It always happens in noovies like this, which is why I only watch Westerns anymore. And Kung Fu movies. Stuff that just cuts right to the chase and has people shooting other people, and usually not for the better if you know what I mean.

Well in this case, some huge muffin-top cow walked RIGHT in front of me when the guns blared. I missed the whole part where the one guy outdrew the other and blew the other guy's head off while that doctor in the saloon was fiddling with his toothpick. I couldn't believe it. I axed for my money back but the cow at the counter said he had to talk to his manager, and his manager was flirting with the 14 year old girl that worked in the ticket booth. Not going back to THAT theater. Besides, their floors are all slickery with fake butter topping and I'm afraid one day I'll trip and become a pentaplegic or something.

Speaking of that I just bought a new CD by a band called... I forget... Fine Young Cannabis I think. The black cow that does all the singing has a really unique voice but it's good dance music for when I wanna show my street moves to the ladies. Did you know I can Moonwalk with four legs? Amazing, I know. I can also go, "eee hee" and grab my udder at the same time. Whatever happened to that guy anyway? Isn't he a military leader of some foreign country or something? I heard he was the first female Cresident of Kerblackistan. But you can't really trust what you read these days, especially in unpreliable sources like the New York Times. People's blogs tend to be much more reliable.

Well, anyway, I have to get going. Tiny... I mean this hot girl from my Diology class is supposed to tutor me all about arthurpods and stuff... whatever that is. He, I mean she, said it inbolbed Cuddlefish though. That's kinda cute when you think about it. And when you're a girl or a huge sissy.

Octopusses (Are Gross)

~
Tiny you-know-who was telling me about octopusses the other day. They sound gross. Then he showed me a picture:


And I was right. But I premember them differently, like on boxes of cereal and stuff when I was a kid. They were always purple and had a big smiley face. This one doesn't look like he could smile if he wanted to.

Maybe I've got the wrong animal. I mean, aren't octopusses those weird creatures that have like eight testicles? And a whole bunch of arms?

~

THERE!

i posted a new blong.

_______
|**|

WHY DO THINGS DIE?

I just found out I'm going to die. Not only that, but I found out that everything is going to die, someday, even things that aren't born yet. But me going is the worst of it by far. I mean... how's the world supposed to exist if I'm not always watching it? I'll probably take all you guys with me! Don't worry too much though, it's not like it's gonna happen tomorrow or the next day or anything like that, but in three days or more it could happen at any time, so be careful about making any long-term plans. But I still don't really get it. WHY am I going to die someday?

It's like machines - why do they break? Companies design them to work, not to break. And it's not like they have minds of their own so they can decide to change their instructions. Why don't they just keep working unless someone turns them off?

I asked Tiny Moo Moo if I could live forever if I dug a hole in the ground and put a big tarp in it, to keep snakes and worms out, and then covered it with an unobtanium dome with a machine gun attached to it. The dome would rotate so I could blow anybody away who tried to get me. And the snakes and worms couldn't get me because of the tarp. Oh yeah, I already said that. I would also have an infinite supply of food and soda in the hole so that I would never have to come out.

But he said I would get old and at some point I would still die, even though no one could get in and kill me. I would just stop working, like an old machine. I guess I just don't understand the whole thing yet. Maybe Sheep knows more about this stuff.

50 POSTS!!!

Take that TMM, who doesn't even hab a blong! Woo hoo hoo.



This is me in profile, looking mean and buff.

Tuesday is....

Mozzarella day!!!

Fresh or aged, be sure to enjoy a sizable portion of Mozzarella today. First of all, it tastes yummy, since one of the prime ingredients is milk. Second of all, you can never predict which wild and wacky way the stuff is going to peel: Off to the side, straight ahead, or deep into the inner core. You just don't know. And last but not least, Mozzarella just tastes great!

Get one for all your friends and family. You can get a ball at the local grocery store for around $4, or you can order the exact same thing from WebEden for $7.50. The additional money goes into taxes, shipping, and our savings to go see the Evil Milkmaids. I'd recommend buying directly from us, but even if you decide not to, remember that September 3rd is Mozzarella Day!!

NO pinching!

I'm starting a campaign to try to get everyone to stop pooping. Right now on WebEden we're selling a t-shirt that says in big letters, 'Don't Poop: It's Gross.' And on the back there is a picture of a big steamer with a circle and a line through it. I'll try to show you the design soon so you can give me money for some shirts. [Edit: I put the logo up finally.]

Dennis's Honest to Goodness Webstore

This is the logo for my new eCommerce site, WebEden. Here you can find lots of cool stuff you probably thought never existed, for less that the usual prices. You can order M80s, pipe bombs, whoopee cushions, black soap, squirting ink pens, and joy buzzers for pennies on the dollar.

Not only that, you can specify custom orders like fancy transportation cows with all the accouterments inside, perpetual motion machines, exotic pets, ice cream sundays, newspaper subscriptions from a parallel universe, human/robot offspring, bears, and toilet plungers.

You can even order anything you want. We'll find it or design it to meet all your needs. All you have to do is send us a lot of money up front (cash only, please), along with some instructions about what you want, if so desired. Then we'll get working on it. Don't email us asking when it will be finished; we'll let YOU know that.

I think it's important to know that tons of satisfied customers from Sheep to Paul have tried my store and found it highly satisfactory, even though I'm still working on their products. It's not like I'll just keep your money and shut the site down or anything. I'm still working on it so give me some time and I'll post the address.

"WebEden - Our Logo Says It All"

Woo hoo hoo.

Tiny Moo Moo spotted in Suriname

In The News: Local wildlife explorers from all over the world have conberged on the forest of Suriname, a small country apparently located somewhere on dry land. Tiny Moo Moo was spotted mugging for the camera, to no one's surprise:

The scientologists involved in the inbestigation of all these new species said TMM was, "a constant pain in the rear," "kinda creepy," and "just an all around annoyance" to them during their important work.

One of the reporters, Scott Wilson, who wished to remain nameless, had this to say: "I just can't wait till the school year starts so we can get this kid out of our hair. I feel sorry for his adopted brother to have to put up with his shenanigans all the time. That is, if he has a brother of course. I mean, he might not."

You can see a slide show featuring all these newly-created species, which hopefully includes new dinosaurs and maybe some monster fossils (not living ones, please) at: Somewhere on the internet. I think it was that MSMNSNBC news site or something, I forgot already.

Tomorrow night: Bears.

The Encephalopedia

Just out of curiosity, I looked up Tiny Moo Moo in the big encyclopedia in his room (not mine, I have magazines about dirt bikes and heavy metal and stuff), and they had one of those big family trees that shows all the different animals and what they're related to. Some of them are way up in the air and they're supported by lines or sticks to other ones below, who I guess have to try to balance them up there while at the same time standing on their own stilts for the guys below to balance. It's really weird, because that's not how the animal kingdom works. I mean, I was just at Sheep's farm and I saw all his ducks, chickens, cows, pigs, and stuff, and it was nothing like that. They were all on the ground.

Anyways, this was a big chart that folded out and stuff, so I ripped it out and snuck it into my room in case he came in suddenly or something. I looked for an animal that looked like me (or ancient moo moo, etc.). I found a pretty close match except with different leather, but I guess some enpsyclopedias don't divide cows into nooises, dooishes, mooishes, booishes, cow-land-land-cow-land-cow-land-cows, and some others we won't talk about, like red boo kings and pullies.

So there was just this one "regular" cow I guess that was supposed to stand for all of us, you know one of those black and white dairy cows we all appreciate so much for their sacrifice, and it said the scientific name was Bos taurus in the family Bovinae. That's pretty awesome when you think about it. "Hello, my name is Boss Taurus. Nice to meet you. Here's my million-caliber handgun." Man, that really IS cool. I couldn't find anything about Bovinicus nuscularis, but the encephalopedia is pretty old. Maybe there will be pictures of me flexing and stuff in the sequel whenever it come out.

What's even more curious, though, is there appears to be an aminal called a "lechwe"!!! Unfortunately it doesn't seem to have anything to do with milk. It's prelated to the cantelopes in Africa and apparently it can fly:

Its full scientifical name is Kobus leche, if can you believe that. Hard to see much of an udder on this thing but maybe they're one of those animals that just has some tiny spouts you have to look for, but once you find them they're like tiny gateways into a huge reservoir of Vitamin D-enriched goodness. Also, the Kobus part explains why they can they can jump so high!

I really want to check one of those out next time I go to Africa for the first time.

Well, getting back to our story, I finally found something that looks like TMM, and I had to go all the way to the invertebrate branch to find it. It gets all confusing and there's all these different species of the same one (individual) animal, but one of the name is Gratopsaltria nigrofascata, which sounds like a good one for the old bro. Let the teachers next year wrestle with that one during roll call! Also, next time he bugs me about cleaning up after myself or taking my turn at the dishes or something, I'll just tell him to get lost and take his carapace with him. Or hor hor. Here's his glamor shot by the way. Looks a little like Bictoria Veckham! NOT.

Tiny Moo Moo, aka Gratopsaltria nigrofascata

When was history?

(Some war from history or something)
We're gonna take a break from the aminal showdown for a day or so, just to build up the suspense. I was pretending to listen to Tiny Moo Moo this morning at breakfast, and while I had a big spoonful of Leche-O's in my mouth, it precurred to me: How long ago was history?

You hear about all these wars and all this stuff, and my textbook at school has some cool picture of tanks and nuclear missile silos, but it said it happened in the past. It seems like everything happened in the past! When did all the amazing stuff in my history book (and even all the boring stuff like freeing slaves, votes for girls...zzz...) actually occur? I know it must have been before the school year started or else how could they have written a book about it? Unless they asked that Nostrilodominus guy, but I heard he was just lying and took all the Beatles' money and stuff.

And I don't even think these books are brand new. Mine has cows' names written inside the cover of it for at least 4 or 5 years. And the book says "Third Edition" which either means it's three years old or it's the third time they had to print it, probably became too many cows were scribbling on the pages and stuff, just like I uh..., um... never mind.

I'm gonna take a rough guess and say that history must have happened between ten and fifteen years ago. In fact, I'm 15 right now! So it has to be at least that old. I think prolly history happened right before I was born, maybe a year or two earlier, so they had time to set everything up, inbent stuff, write all these books, build cities, have the 100 years' war, figure out the 11 herbs and spices, and invent microchips and stone tools.

But here's the clever part: It couldn't have been much earlier than that, because otherwise Duke Nukem Forever would be finished by now. I hear it's coming out pretty soon.

The elite eight are:

Duffaloes
Kommando Dragons

Bipolar Bears
Regular Sharks

Mini Baa
Doisonous Moss

Black Boo Kings
Elephants

Soon there will be 4!

From 16 to 8

Battle time!

The duffaloes trample the stag beetles, because come on, they're way bigger.

The kommando dragons one again employ superior training, gear, and tactricks to eradicate the endangered orangamatangs. Good riddance!

Tortugals somehow wander into the arctic after hundreds of years and a few boat rides, and their resolve is firm. Like the mysticals in that move Dark Globe, they finally stand to their full height in all their najestic splendor. The bipolar bears haven't been eating well since global warming caused them all to die off, so they eat the exposed inferiors of the tortoise...aguls and buy themselves some time. But do they feel good or sad about it? Good, of course.

Asteroids try like crazy to eradimacate the sharks all over the ocean. One problem: asteroids can't swim, plus they can't denegrate much past the surface due to the laws of God, like biscosity and fiction. Anyway, the asteroids all run out and there are still lots of sharks in the water.

Mini Baa spots what he thinks is a fossil of an extinct Charcoalius Megalodon. He takes some tools from the Spitsonian, digs out the premains, and hangs it up for all to see. Now the freed shark cannot only not move because of the ropes and supports, plus he has no nuscles or skin or a brizzle, but he has to endure dumb questions from curious kids all day. He gets no royalties on the books they buy about him, and he can't even breathe, which must be uncomfortable. Mini Baa unfortunately moves on, a winner once again, despite my tries to knock him ou.....er, to be fair and let things go as they are supposed to.

Nile broccolidiles are famous for eating eberything and anything they come upon, except when they decide not to. These broccodiles aren't too bright though, even for reptiles, and they gorge on all the new shiny green grass along the river's bank. What were they thinking? That shiny grass is a deadly sprain of doisonous moss! End of the brocs and all their cancer-fighting bitamins. Oh well, I'd like to have seen them kill the moss, but I'm not too fond of leafy green maneaters either.

The sequoias have huddled in their grove since the last fight. You might think they were planning for the next battle, but they were just turning sunlight into sugar it turns out. The squad of black boo kings arrives and chainsaws them down, then burn up all their wood using nillitary-grade flamethrowers. The adbantage of having a brain is proved this time.

An enraged herd of elephants on their way to meet some hyenas trying to attack their children inadbertantly crush and disintegrate the small patch of bobbleheads lying in wait and nodding yes or no to each strategiological decision. Now they're all gone, woo hoo!

Down to 8... keep checking back for the next few rounds which will determine the winner! I just hope it's not the doisonous moss.

SECOND ROUND

Let's see, our 16 surbibors are the following:

Duffaloes
Stag Beetles

Oregano-Tangs
Kommando Dragons

Tortugals
Bipolar Bears

Asteroids
Regular Sharks

Fossils
Mini Baa

Doisonous Moss
Nile Broccolidiles

Black Boo Kings
Sequoias

Elephants
Bobbleheads

Woo hoo hoo, I purposefully grouped them that way to show what the next matchups are. That will be the next post, the gory stuff.

FIRST ROUND

Duffies easily trample the creative americans for all the times they got driven over cliffs and whatnot. Payback is a featherduster, Indians!

Torontosaurus Rex, big and intimidimating, realizes just before it strikes that it is a native of the Black Land of Canada, and with the Ring long destroyed, it loses it animating force and crumbles to ash. A lonely blonde girl begins to cry. Stag beetle starts flexing.

Oregano-tangs swing around in the trees tempting the bully constrictors with the smell of pizza, but the constrictors pretaliate with a bicious strike, using up all their power points. Unfortunately this only gets them about two feet in the air, not even close to the crime-apes in the trees. While they are resting, the orange monkeys come down from the trees and eat them. They are reported to taste like chicken.

Kommando dragons deploy their squad in full night-vision, Delta-force level gear, and take the fish at unawares. The fish haven't even graduated from schools yet, so they are no match.

Bubblebees and tortugals. This is a hard one. I guess in the end the bees couldn't really do anything to hurt the hard-shelled corruptiles, and they die in weeks anyways. This becomes a battle of attrition which the tortugals win, even though they have no idea.

The bipolar bears are sitting around on an iceberg moaning about the meaning of existence, when suddenly a mighty brontosaurus rex comes thundering their way. Unfortunately for it, there is no solid land in the Arctic. It drowns and the bears suddenly become manic and start high-fiving and making plans for stopping this whole "global warming" thing. The next day, they've forgotten all that and are staring at their watches again hoping the 6-month day passes quickly.

Tiny Moo vs Asteroids. This is an easy one. TMM is nonchalantly walking home from middle school when all of a sudden trillions of meteors strike him from all angles simulmutaneously. No more TMM.

Regular sharks vs Regular snakes. This one's pretty much a draw, except the sharks win.

Great Big White Sharks get thrashed by angry fossils. They can't bite through them, they don't have disposable thumbs so they can really hold them or dig them out of the rock... The fossils are of even bigger crehistorical sharks and scare the great big whites to death.

Mini Baa attempts to live harmoniously with a group of pygmies from Papoose New Guinea and discovers only too late that they are head hunters. He watches in horror as they all de-head each other and then somberly leaves the billage, the only survivor.

Durglars vs doisonous moss. This one I don't even really want to talk about, let's just say the moss wins so we don't have to bring up you-know-who's again in the next round.

Nile broccolidiles vs dangeroos. Dangeroos are allowed to wear boxing gloves and beat the alligators nonstop for at least 40 minutes. At this point, they are completely exhausted, and the the broccolidiles eat them whole.

Dooishes are the opponents no one wanted to face in this tournament. Of all their potential proponents, though, they've drawn the worst ones. And not only that, but the drawing look like the real things! The black boo kings show up in full Level 4 biohazard suits and spray gallons of Vay-Poo-Rize from high pressure hoses on the unsuspecting foes. Too bad, no more dooishes.

Umpire bats successfully use their sonicair to steer around the huge tree and aboid collisions. But eventually they get old and die. The sequoias win eben though they have no brains.

Elephants trample the giraffaloes and then stomp on their necks for fun and because they enjoy pointless bloodshed. The end.

Hmm, bobbleheads bersus chicanos. I don't really know what chicanos are except I think they're like those house elves in Hairy Potter, and have to work in taco trucks and clean up after magical white people. I feel pretty sorry for them, so I'm gonna give them a bit of an unfair advantage: Legal status and miminimum wage. Still, the bobbleheads confuse them and murder them.

Down to 16! Woo Hoo!!!! (hoo). I can't wait till the next round.

Woo hoo hoo,

40th post!

I thought really hard for a few seconds and here's my animal list:

Duffalos
Creative Americans
Torontosaurus Rex
Stag beetles
Oregano-tangs
Bully Constrictors
Kommando Dragons
Fish
Bubblebees
Tortugals
Bipolar Bears
Brontosaurus Rex
Tiny Moo Moo
Asteroids
Regular Sharks
Snakes
Great Big White Sharks
Fossils
Mini Baa
Pygmies
Durglars
Doisonous Moss
Nile Broccolidiles
Dangeroos
Black Boo Kings
Dooishes
Umpire Bats
Sequoias
Elephants
Girrafaloes
Bobbleheads
Chicanos

I'm trying to decide whether to have them all in the ring at once or to make them fight one at a time.

"That's why they call them ANIMALS!!!!"

I'm thinking about starting up some animal wars, like that other site on Bongler. Except mine is gonna be real, like that movie Gladiator. I'll prolly have all the usual stuff like bears, snakes... um... polarity bears.... Maybe even jagulars, I heard they were pretty mean, or durglars versus monsters, that would be a good one, as long as they couldn't see me.

What will definitely be in the contest is binarysaurs. Probably Dinosaurus Rex is gonna win the whole thing, either him or sheep or some kinda of poisonous moss. But my first match will be a real zinger to get people inbolbed in the process: A trinosceros versus a binosceros. How cool is that?

I don't know about making all those fancy grafs and stuff, I'll probably just find a way to sell some cheap VHS tapes of the monsters, i mean animals, actually fighting and taking turns biting each others heads off and stuff. Oh yeah, and stag beetles.

How big is everything?

I was thinking for awhile, since I didn't have anything nice to say and since there was no one around to flex my nuscles at, and a thought suddenly occurred to me: I wonder how big everything is. Like, all of it put together. At first I thought it would be maybe as big as a whole city or something and then I realized, wait a minute, cities are that big already and there's even MORE outside of them.

So I tried to think of the biggest thing I knew, and that's probably my brain or Jake's leche purse, but other than those it's probably the whole planet. But the sun is even outside of the planet, right? Even though it's way tinier, just like the moon and all those bright dots. They must not be on the earth or I could jump up and touch them, or pick them up or whatever. Plus there's clouds above them.

Tiny moo moo said that most of the uniberse is empty space. He obviously hasn't seen my room lately, but mostly I would say he's right. There's lots of air and stuff in things and that's why you can squoosh them and make them smaller. What if you took everything that existed and squashed it down with something really strong, like a vice or Arnold Schwartzamenegger or some rubber bands? Got rid of all the air. How big would the universe be then?

I really don't know the answer to this one, but I'm thinking it's probably gonna be somewhere between the size of our house and our whole middle school, which is pretty huge. I mean, when the PE teacher makes me run a lap around the school I get totally sweaty. THAT'S how big it is.

Anyways, I see some people approaching so it's time for me to turn my brain off and stop thinking and get back to flexing (if they're girls) or making mean faces (if they're boys). Oh hey, it's the Duffaliers! Nevermind, I'm gonna go hang out with them for awhile and see what they've been up to.

-Dennis

Missing link found!

Since the time of Ancient Moo Moo, there have been some genetic "experiments" done by evolution that led to some pretty interesting, if grotesque offshoots of the mainline of aurochs and cattle. One of them was found recently. It seems to live exclusively on walls. It hasn't been officially named yet, but I submitted a suggestion for the name Australobovinicus Tinymoomoous for the striking resemblance it bears to my predopted brother. Check out the marked lack of any udder and the blank expression on its face. Or hor hor.

I can't find Sheep.

I've looked everywhere. I went to another town and they hadn't seen him. I went to my school where he's not a teacher or anything and they didn't know what I was talking about. I even put a magnet under my compass and went in the random direction it pointed, into the woods. Guess what? No Sheep. I'm starting to keep really worried and might ask Little Baa if he's seen him.

Oh yeah, I talked to the police too and they said I should try his farm. It sounds like a long shot, but maybe I'll go over there and check, just in case.


UPDATE: Guess what? I found Big Baa!!! It turns out he was in his house reading a magazine and eating lunch when I busted through the door with my fake (shhh) lightsaber getting ready to save him from some kidnappers or durglars or something. But he was just sitting there. Actually he thought I was there for my philosophy lesson, so we went ahead and did that. But.... *whew*

Next thing you know I'll lose Jacob. }:8O

Monsters

We're learning about diology at school next year (after hopefully a really long summer), and I can't wait to ask the teacher about monsters. Ebery science book I've looked at on Tiny Moo Moo's shelf, they're not in there. But in his D&D books (woo hoo hoo) they're all over the place. Are there monster fossils? Do monsters migrate? Can we not see them unless we believe in them, or are they in the infarcted part of the scrotum so our eyes can't see them or something? Nobody will give me a straight answer. What are monsters?!?!? Reptiles, mambles, or what?? I don't want to find one or anything or get attacked by one (that's why I'll never go camping) but it just seems like people talk about them all the time and I've never seen one in my whole life except that once. I'm starting to think people are messing with me or know something I don't. I mean, I've seen them in movies so it's not like they're not real. People just don't seem scared about them in real life. I am though. I mean... not really, but a little bit.

A Profound Poem

Impressions in a muddy field.
by me (Dennis)

It was a sizzling, scorching day that was really hot
The malodorous stench smelled really bad too
In the pasture, Tiny Moo Moo.

In the air were flies flying all around him because they have wings
And they like to hang out around things that stink
And the look on his face was like someone who couldn't bear to think,

Or hor hor,
Because he doesn't have a brain.

a perfect competition for you know who

I think we should enter TMM's name in this year's olympics for the "differently disabled" - I'll bet he'd win! That is, if "winning" means you get the lowest score. I'm gonna put him in the grammer competition, since he thinks he know his nouns and crapositions so well. Or hor hor. This will be fun. Me, Sheep, and Dragon are gonna be in the stands laughing at him, hopefully.

Hurricanoes

You know how hurricanoes always have regular names like Katrina and stuff? I just heard there was a hurricane Dennis! Look it up if you want. I hope it's a doozy.