My penpal

Oh by the way I have a penpal now, Distant Moo Moo. I guess he must be prelated to me or something... although Moo Moo is a pretty common last night, it must be submitted.

Here's a picture he sent me in the mail:


I know, he looks pretty much like your regular cow, and he is! Well, sort of. The only thing wrong with him is that he is foreign. He comes from a mountaneous area of the Mooish Lands called "Pasturias" which seems really beautiful from the pictures he sent ob it. Naturally, he must have edited them a lot in ScrodoShop, to get the Mooish Lands to look that nice, though it's true I've never been there or seen any pictures, or even heard of it. I just figure, if there's a foreign place that looks nicer than the town me and TMM lib in, why don't WE all live there instead? Hah, logic wins again. Thanks, Sheep.

Anyways, Distant Moo Moo speaks pretty good English, though he has a bit of a speech incrediment that makes him lisp sometimes and pronounces Vs, the second letter of the alphabet, like Bs. But other than that he's really nice, and besides like I said he's foreign. He's writes 10:00 like 10.00, gets his dates all jumbled up, like '25 Dec 09' instead of just saying 12/25/09, the right way, and ... woo hoo hoo ... get this, when he writes fractions, he puts a comma in there, like 1,39 pounds. Oh wait, he doesn't eben used pounds!! He uses kilowatts or something, I dunno. What a crazy cow!

TMM keeps saying stuff about dibersity and cultural irrelevance and stuff, but I can't stop laughing at this guy. If he wasn't foreign, I might think he was pretarded. But I actually feel really sorry for him because I'm sure he grew up completely deprived of an educashun, good roll models, toys, access to guns provided by the second amendment, sleep, and who knows, maybe eben food and water. So I can't really get on his case too much. Besides, he's a constant source of entertainment. Why rock the boat? I'm gonna right him write now.

Woo hoo hoo, aminal wars.

The time has come, my friends, for us to finish up l'animal guerres, as Sheep would say.

Last time I checked, it was Duffies versus Poleys, Mini Baa versus Black Boo Kings. Let me just say right now I have no idea how this will end, eben though I'm making it all up.

Ok, first semifinals, the Bipolar bears are on their down cycle!! Bummer for them. They try a last minute intrabenous lithium injection, but no use, they surrender (crying about biscuits, no less) to the Duffaloes without a fight. Duffs get through to the final match.

Second semifinals, Mini Baa somehow senses an earthquake and runs off the field, while a rift opens in the earth and swallows the black boo kings up in a plume of geologimical smoke. What a break for Mini Baa, he stood no chance against them otherwise!

Now the stage is set.... FINAL MATCH: Duffies versus Mini Baa.

Take it easy on him, Duffs! Woo hoo hoo.

Hey, I got through to the finals finally. Let's see if I can pay enough attention to conclude this realistic analysis of an artificial combat simbulation that could really take place in a fake world. I hope mini baa gets to keep some of his wool, or at least some of his peach-fuzz - woo hoo hoo.

}:8]

Creepy, but cool.

I was just munching on a hamburglar when suddenly I prealized something very creepy, but cool. If you take the letters of my name, DENNIS, and subsidize the letter A for the D, then you take the 'ENNIS' part, remove one of the Ns, flip it around backwards so it makes 'SINE', add an S at the end, put the prefix 'UN-' in front of the it, and then replace the whole thing with 'WESOME,' keeping the original A of course... you end up with AWESOME.

Woo hoo hoo, how cool is that?! Pretty creepy though, too. It's almost like the uniberse is trying to tell me something....

}:8)

The Yukanubis

31 Feb 09 - Today a large yukanbubis was seen in Washington State wandering around some campsites, said a man who wishes to remain prenonymous, in August of 1977. Apparently this admittedly doctored photo shows in great detail what the monster looks like and what it was thinking at the time of the sighting.

Yikes! I told TMM there was a yukanubis on the loose; ebrybody knows about it. I read that big, thin newspaper at the checkstand at the supermarket and they're always talking about them, along with other stuff like UFOs, Angelina Jolie, and perpetual motion machines. I knew it was just a matter of time before one got into the cowlands and I thought I saw it outside my window the other day.

Tiny Moo Moo told me it was all a hoax and it couldn't get into the Lands eben if it was real, so of course I don't believe him. Man, just what I need when our first Duffaliers tour is supposed to be happening sometime this summer. I thought they were gonna make me the lead singer this year but I guess they need me to make T-shirts again, at least for awhile, so I'll keep writing lyrics and practicing in the meantime. Like, I have one knew song called "My leche's en fuego (for you)" - it's a power ballad that's gonna make all the ladies feint when they hear it.

Practicing! That's what I was gonna say. How am I supposed to stay late in the audibletorium to practice with the Duffs, and THEN walk home in the evening, if there's some giant yukanubis roaming around the neighborhood? I'll just tell them I'm too scar- ....er, I'll express my concern about this potentially dangerous creature who eats people alive, and see what they say. Right now, time to sleep in the closet. TMM's closet actually, just to be sure.

You have to be practical about this stuff.

All right fine!

Presults are coming soon.

}:8)

Oh Man, Here We Go

I know you've all been waiting for the conclusion of Animal Wars, but I had to keep you coming back to this site in order to squandester your interest in my other business ventures. It's like Cowland Idol... they always string it out almost as long as the Super Bowl and have tons of commercials and eberything else they can think of NOT to show you the final results, because then you'll turn the TV off.

But there comes a time when enough is never enough. Plus I want to see who wins too, and laugh at Mini Baa. So here we go:

THE FINAL FOUR
Duffaloes vs. Bipolar Bears
Mini Baa vs. Black Boo Kings

First let's string things out just a big more by posting pictures of our contestants...


The majestic duffalo, not even particularly upset here.

One of those crazy polarity bears, jumping around on ice.

Mini Baa.

A big strapping hulk of a black boo king.

In the next post I'll tell you about the battles...

The Incredible Shrinking Dennis!

}:8) 'Woo hoo hoo'

Question: What's cooler than a fat, old Mario riding a Dinosaurus Rex wearing sneakers?
















Answer: Nothing.

(*Well ok, maybe Wario or Bowser riding him, but let's not split hairs.)


Forget all the paintings Tiny Moo Moo goes on and on about or you read about on the TV. THIS is art, people.

My adbice? Just sit back and soak it in for awhile...

I wonder if they sell wall-sized prints of this?

And now a word from our sponsoliers...

This is what I use exclusibly, except for the other products in my medicine cabinet, and let me tell you, they work like a charm!

Click the picture so they'll pay me... and so you can check out this awesome company and their amazing line of products. If you're not satisfied with your order, please ship it to me postage-paid.

Thanks for the support, I couldn't maintain this free site without it.

-Dennis J. Moo Moo

Oh My God!

I forgot all about Aminal Wars! When it precurred to me that I never finished the tournament, I pulled a Bishop Ussher and calculated back how long ago it had been since I last blogged about it.

The final result? It took place in the past.

Therefore I've decided coincidentally that I should provavly finish up that Animal Wars tournament thing I started a long time ago.

ASPCA Note: No actual animals were harmed in the conceptualization and execution of this tournament, except when I couldn't figure out who would win by just thinking about it and had to use real life specimens to fight to the death to get my answers.

Last time we left Animals Wars, there were 8 animals premaining out of the original 32. All 8 of these animals should be pretty proud of themselves surbibing this far, were it not for the fact that they were about to get savagely eaten and snuffed out very soon, since their can only be ONE winner.

Here was the bracket, for all you bullies that like to bet, or armchair enthusiasts:

---------------------------

Duffaloes
Kommando Dragons

Bipolar Bears
Regular Sharks

Mini Baa
Doisonous Moss

Black Boo Kings
Elephants

---------------------------

Ok, let's get this through this round so we can get to the Final Four!

I. First of all, in real life like the cow lands, you'd surprisingly never actually see duffies and kommando dragons fight. That has something to do with the dragons living on an island and the duffaloes on wide airplanes that stretch across the savannah. But whatever, they're gonna fight now. I saw a show that said that kommandos (the narrerator kept calling them 'Komodos' which I just overlooked because I figured he had a speech indictment) hab tons of toxic bacteria in their mouths, which they use to bite their bictims with and then wait, wringing their hands together waiting for them to die. This wouldn't really work against big duffaloes, who are notoriously impatient and would stampede all those overgrown lizards in one fell swoop. Duffs for the win.

II. It's hard to tell who would win between regular sharks and bipolar bears, because it would depend on the bears' mood. I'm gonna give them the benefit of being manic, in which case they would either rip the sharks in half and then proceed to eath both halves, happy to have a change from eating ringed seals all the time (btw, I think I TMM just installated a new ring seal on our toilet the other day because it was starting to leak), or else they would do something else crazy and energetic like build a treehouse or read Proust in the original. Unfortunately for the sharks, it just isn't their day because the bears all decide they want to win this competition and then move on to bigger plans like overhauling the international system of extradition. Shortly after devouring all the sharks, though, they sink into a funk and are found slobbering and crying for no real reason. One of them eben admits he's gay, though he later claims he meant it in the sense of "happy," which he obviously was not at the time. Enough about that one! Let's move on.

III. Hmm, Mini Baa and Doisonous Moss. I don't really want either of these entities to win, but I'm more afraid of... I mean, concerned about... the doisonous moss spreading all ober the cow lands, so I'm gonna say that somehow Mini Baa does something miraculous and kills it all. Maybe he goes down to Woolworth's and buys a big canister of "Poisonous Moss Killer" (don't look at me, that's how they spell it on the label), and then sprays it all over his opponent. Yeah, that works. Ok, Mini-Man, you get to move on unfortunately. Your gramps would be proud if he was even slightly more sentient than a boulder.

IV. And lastly: Black Boo Kings and Elephants. I have an idea about who's gonna win this one... because I'm writing it! Woo hoo hoo, good one, huh. As it turns out, the elephants are pretty tough, tougher than anyone thought. But being tough doesn't really matter when you're blown up by 12 kilotons of plastic explosive charges places on all their limbs and detonated from the brush half a mile away. See ya later, hairy elefantes, it was nice knowing you. BBK's adbance.

Next time:

THE FINAL FOUR
Duffaloes vs. Bipolar Bears in the morning match, and
Mini Baa vs. a bicious squad of Black Boo Kings in the afternoon

...with breaks for tea and darkness, of course.

(Man, I can't eben wait for this. I hope those guys blow up Mini Baa!)

See you then!

Another Site!

Woo hoo hoo, I got my own website for this character I play called Dennis. It's all about me, except sometimes it's not. I just expectorate with different things to see what I can come up with.

Check it out sometime:
http://cowlands.fluff-friends.com

And make sure to give the character on that site, who I've chosen to call "Dennis," lots and lots of food, eben guanomole, which this Dennis apparently likes.

I can't stand it in real life.

Whateber you do, do NOT click this picture. Just in case, I've disabled the link anyways to that PETA site that tries to keep people from eating our Big Macs. How else are we supposed to make a libing? Jeez. This sounds like some stunt TMM might try to pull off just to cause controbersy.

No Bulgarity, Please

When using this blog, the use of bulgarity is uninhibited. Please prefrain from saying, typing, or thinking about inadmissible things while bisiting my site. (I've had to put this up mainly because of the problem that is Tiny Moo Moo.)

Thank you for understanding.

The Big "U"

The old Leche Purse itself.

Check it out, even caves have udders!

So Paul and me were rummaging around in his older brother's room the other day while he was out with his friends. We were looking for his infamous candy stash. Just gotta understand something: If you think Paul is missing a few teeth, just wait till you see his bro. That cow's gonna need dentures by the time he's 30. Personally if I were him, I'd just get a full set of gold or platinum Grillz from that Paul Wall site, with maybe some diamonds crusted all over them or something, but actually I doubt if he can afford that, since he's just a bagger at Food4More.

Anyhoo, I opened one drawer and found a bunch of issues of Bulging Udders, Big Naturals, and those kinds of magazines that for some reason they always have behind the counter at the those little stores where all the Pakistani cows work (I guess they don't want bullies stealing them, but in that case, they should put the whole store behind the counter!) I thought, man, this cow is a true molar afficianado. Paul said that was nothing, that I should see his picture collection on his computer, but he thought some of those were digitally prehanced, just because of the whole laws of physics thing. But then again, laws were made to be broken! Or hor hor, wait till Saul - that's Paul's bro - gets a load of Jacob! His life's never gonna be the same.

Come to think of it, since I just got an udder enhancement myself with my entire inheritance (even though it's not THAT much of a difference), and even though Saul's a cool guy and all (I mean it was him who showed me how to clog up toilets at school and how to make homemade M80s, NOT THAT I DO IT), I think I'll stay away from him for a little while just in case. The doctor in the back alley that did my enhancement said it needed to heal for 2-3 weeks before being handled roughly, and you never know who's a closet pully these days. Safety first Tiny Moo Moo always says, and in this one case I think he might actually be right.

Hey!

I was walking through some fields behind our house for some reason when guess who I saw? The Duffaliers! They're in town right now getting new t-shirts and posters and stuff made for our band. I premembered my multicellular phone has a camera on it, so I was able to get a shot for you guys.















That's Jeff the drummer (well one of them anyways). All those duffalos in the background aren't all in the Duffaliers by the way, only a few of them. The rest are probably just relatives or just like... I don't know, regular duffies. They must live somewhere!

Turns out they can't really stay too long because they have to graze as much as possible before the frost kicks in or something weird like that. But we have a show coming up on New Year's Eve and I just wrote a new song we're gonna have to practice pretty quick if we're gonna work it into the set. It's called "Le-Le-Le-Let Me At Your Leche" and, man - it rocks. That's all I'm gonna say because I don't wanna give away that it will probably be the opening song, then there will be some other moshing type stuff while the crowd has all their energy intact, then we'll switch over and finish up with ballads.

Then the next day is the official One Week Till Mass day, when we gotta start stretching and hydrating and getting ready for Molar Mass 2008. I can't even imagine what this one's gonna be like. Ever since Jake retired from competition in 2005 there hasn't been a repeat winner yet. The cow from last year has been ordered by his doctors to not even compete! So it's gonna be someone new again.

Well, I gotta go talk this all over with the guys. Fortunately no duffs allowed at Molar Mass (whew), and this year, they finally outlawed pullies too. They said it was against the spirit of the competition, which was defined as "stretching and contorting every udder in sight in unimaginable ways for the express purposes of obtaining milk" - sorry pullies: Busted.

So yeah, the band, New Year's Eve, the Mass.... Luckily we have a bacation from school during that time or I'd have to cut more than usual! Er, I mean... Well I gotta go anyway, I want to ask Jeff what they came up with for the t-shirts.

-Dennis

Blong, Long, and Full of Leche

Me cretending to shoot TMM with my six-shooter.

Hey eberyone.

I see someone has cleaned the house. I hate it when he does that, I can't find my Matchbox A-Team bus now. Grrrr....... well maybe I'll go upstairs and look in our toy bin labeled "Toy Cars, Matchbox." Who knows, it's worth a shot.

Speaking of shots, I saw this one Western noovie where this guy was all "who's gonna stop me? You?" and the other guy was like "If I have to" and I was like falling off my seat because I knew there was going to be gunplay. It always happens in noovies like this, which is why I only watch Westerns anymore. And Kung Fu movies. Stuff that just cuts right to the chase and has people shooting other people, and usually not for the better if you know what I mean.

Well in this case, some huge muffin-top cow walked RIGHT in front of me when the guns blared. I missed the whole part where the one guy outdrew the other and blew the other guy's head off while that doctor in the saloon was fiddling with his toothpick. I couldn't believe it. I axed for my money back but the cow at the counter said he had to talk to his manager, and his manager was flirting with the 14 year old girl that worked in the ticket booth. Not going back to THAT theater. Besides, their floors are all slickery with fake butter topping and I'm afraid one day I'll trip and become a pentaplegic or something.

Speaking of that I just bought a new CD by a band called... I forget... Fine Young Cannabis I think. The black cow that does all the singing has a really unique voice but it's good dance music for when I wanna show my street moves to the ladies. Did you know I can Moonwalk with four legs? Amazing, I know. I can also go, "eee hee" and grab my udder at the same time. Whatever happened to that guy anyway? Isn't he a military leader of some foreign country or something? I heard he was the first female Cresident of Kerblackistan. But you can't really trust what you read these days, especially in unpreliable sources like the New York Times. People's blogs tend to be much more reliable.

Well, anyway, I have to get going. Tiny... I mean this hot girl from my Diology class is supposed to tutor me all about arthurpods and stuff... whatever that is. He, I mean she, said it inbolbed Cuddlefish though. That's kinda cute when you think about it. And when you're a girl or a huge sissy.

Octopusses (Are Gross)

~
Tiny you-know-who was telling me about octopusses the other day. They sound gross. Then he showed me a picture:


And I was right. But I premember them differently, like on boxes of cereal and stuff when I was a kid. They were always purple and had a big smiley face. This one doesn't look like he could smile if he wanted to.

Maybe I've got the wrong animal. I mean, aren't octopusses those weird creatures that have like eight testicles? And a whole bunch of arms?

~

THERE!

i posted a new blong.

_______
|**|

WHY DO THINGS DIE?

I just found out I'm going to die. Not only that, but I found out that everything is going to die, someday, even things that aren't born yet. But me going is the worst of it by far. I mean... how's the world supposed to exist if I'm not always watching it? I'll probably take all you guys with me! Don't worry too much though, it's not like it's gonna happen tomorrow or the next day or anything like that, but in three days or more it could happen at any time, so be careful about making any long-term plans. But I still don't really get it. WHY am I going to die someday?

It's like machines - why do they break? Companies design them to work, not to break. And it's not like they have minds of their own so they can decide to change their instructions. Why don't they just keep working unless someone turns them off?

I asked Tiny Moo Moo if I could live forever if I dug a hole in the ground and put a big tarp in it, to keep snakes and worms out, and then covered it with an unobtanium dome with a machine gun attached to it. The dome would rotate so I could blow anybody away who tried to get me. And the snakes and worms couldn't get me because of the tarp. Oh yeah, I already said that. I would also have an infinite supply of food and soda in the hole so that I would never have to come out.

But he said I would get old and at some point I would still die, even though no one could get in and kill me. I would just stop working, like an old machine. I guess I just don't understand the whole thing yet. Maybe Sheep knows more about this stuff.

50 POSTS!!!

Take that TMM, who doesn't even hab a blong! Woo hoo hoo.



This is me in profile, looking mean and buff.

Tuesday is....

Mozzarella day!!!

Fresh or aged, be sure to enjoy a sizable portion of Mozzarella today. First of all, it tastes yummy, since one of the prime ingredients is milk. Second of all, you can never predict which wild and wacky way the stuff is going to peel: Off to the side, straight ahead, or deep into the inner core. You just don't know. And last but not least, Mozzarella just tastes great!

Get one for all your friends and family. You can get a ball at the local grocery store for around $4, or you can order the exact same thing from WebEden for $7.50. The additional money goes into taxes, shipping, and our savings to go see the Evil Milkmaids. I'd recommend buying directly from us, but even if you decide not to, remember that September 3rd is Mozzarella Day!!

NO pinching!

I'm starting a campaign to try to get everyone to stop pooping. Right now on WebEden we're selling a t-shirt that says in big letters, 'Don't Poop: It's Gross.' And on the back there is a picture of a big steamer with a circle and a line through it. I'll try to show you the design soon so you can give me money for some shirts. [Edit: I put the logo up finally.]

Dennis's Honest to Goodness Webstore

This is the logo for my new eCommerce site, WebEden. Here you can find lots of cool stuff you probably thought never existed, for less that the usual prices. You can order M80s, pipe bombs, whoopee cushions, black soap, squirting ink pens, and joy buzzers for pennies on the dollar.

Not only that, you can specify custom orders like fancy transportation cows with all the accouterments inside, perpetual motion machines, exotic pets, ice cream sundays, newspaper subscriptions from a parallel universe, human/robot offspring, bears, and toilet plungers.

You can even order anything you want. We'll find it or design it to meet all your needs. All you have to do is send us a lot of money up front (cash only, please), along with some instructions about what you want, if so desired. Then we'll get working on it. Don't email us asking when it will be finished; we'll let YOU know that.

I think it's important to know that tons of satisfied customers from Sheep to Paul have tried my store and found it highly satisfactory, even though I'm still working on their products. It's not like I'll just keep your money and shut the site down or anything. I'm still working on it so give me some time and I'll post the address.

"WebEden - Our Logo Says It All"

Woo hoo hoo.

Tiny Moo Moo spotted in Suriname

In The News: Local wildlife explorers from all over the world have conberged on the forest of Suriname, a small country apparently located somewhere on dry land. Tiny Moo Moo was spotted mugging for the camera, to no one's surprise:

The scientologists involved in the inbestigation of all these new species said TMM was, "a constant pain in the rear," "kinda creepy," and "just an all around annoyance" to them during their important work.

One of the reporters, Scott Wilson, who wished to remain nameless, had this to say: "I just can't wait till the school year starts so we can get this kid out of our hair. I feel sorry for his adopted brother to have to put up with his shenanigans all the time. That is, if he has a brother of course. I mean, he might not."

You can see a slide show featuring all these newly-created species, which hopefully includes new dinosaurs and maybe some monster fossils (not living ones, please) at: Somewhere on the internet. I think it was that MSMNSNBC news site or something, I forgot already.

Tomorrow night: Bears.

The Encephalopedia

Just out of curiosity, I looked up Tiny Moo Moo in the big encyclopedia in his room (not mine, I have magazines about dirt bikes and heavy metal and stuff), and they had one of those big family trees that shows all the different animals and what they're related to. Some of them are way up in the air and they're supported by lines or sticks to other ones below, who I guess have to try to balance them up there while at the same time standing on their own stilts for the guys below to balance. It's really weird, because that's not how the animal kingdom works. I mean, I was just at Sheep's farm and I saw all his ducks, chickens, cows, pigs, and stuff, and it was nothing like that. They were all on the ground.

Anyways, this was a big chart that folded out and stuff, so I ripped it out and snuck it into my room in case he came in suddenly or something. I looked for an animal that looked like me (or ancient moo moo, etc.). I found a pretty close match except with different leather, but I guess some enpsyclopedias don't divide cows into nooises, dooishes, mooishes, booishes, cow-land-land-cow-land-cow-land-cows, and some others we won't talk about, like red boo kings and pullies.

So there was just this one "regular" cow I guess that was supposed to stand for all of us, you know one of those black and white dairy cows we all appreciate so much for their sacrifice, and it said the scientific name was Bos taurus in the family Bovinae. That's pretty awesome when you think about it. "Hello, my name is Boss Taurus. Nice to meet you. Here's my million-caliber handgun." Man, that really IS cool. I couldn't find anything about Bovinicus nuscularis, but the encephalopedia is pretty old. Maybe there will be pictures of me flexing and stuff in the sequel whenever it come out.

What's even more curious, though, is there appears to be an aminal called a "lechwe"!!! Unfortunately it doesn't seem to have anything to do with milk. It's prelated to the cantelopes in Africa and apparently it can fly:

Its full scientifical name is Kobus leche, if can you believe that. Hard to see much of an udder on this thing but maybe they're one of those animals that just has some tiny spouts you have to look for, but once you find them they're like tiny gateways into a huge reservoir of Vitamin D-enriched goodness. Also, the Kobus part explains why they can they can jump so high!

I really want to check one of those out next time I go to Africa for the first time.

Well, getting back to our story, I finally found something that looks like TMM, and I had to go all the way to the invertebrate branch to find it. It gets all confusing and there's all these different species of the same one (individual) animal, but one of the name is Gratopsaltria nigrofascata, which sounds like a good one for the old bro. Let the teachers next year wrestle with that one during roll call! Also, next time he bugs me about cleaning up after myself or taking my turn at the dishes or something, I'll just tell him to get lost and take his carapace with him. Or hor hor. Here's his glamor shot by the way. Looks a little like Bictoria Veckham! NOT.

Tiny Moo Moo, aka Gratopsaltria nigrofascata